A fight from the sidelines...

I have ridden the bench in big games before. It hurt my pride, but it never hurt as much as it does right now....

I have heard the words "breast cancer" a million times in my life. It has always been something I never thought twice about, because there has never been cancer in my family. The only two relatives who had it badly were in-laws, and I was in college 2,000 miles away when they happened, so I was insulated from the feelings, even though they were two great people who I loved very much. A pet peeve of mine has always been people who become activists because something affected them. Someone who smoked like a chimney, but now that they have lung cancer, no one else can smoke. Applying the fabric that creates you to the entire world- that always bothered me.

It all became a little clearer last month.

I found out my mother had breast cancer. It scared the crap out of me, and I wandered around saying it would get better and it was not a big deal. I was worried about mom, but like I hoped, everything is looking alright and she will recover without chemotherapy. I felt like cancer lost and I was victorious over this disease that so many people can't beat. I now know that cancer is resilient, and hates to lose. It came back and got me where it would hurt the most. The person who God has blessed me with and with whom I have been blessed with 2 beautiful sons...My complement...My everything, my wife has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Fine. We went in to have the lump removed. I had been on this field against this same opponent before and had seen it lose. Well, it is winning now. The cancer has spread into my wife's lymph nodes. Thank God it has not gone from there. Now, the most amazing person I know is going to enter the fight of her life, for her life. Perhaps most frustrating is that I am relegated to the bench, with no opportunity to help the person who means the most to me.

Chemotherapy and all the things that come with it are on the horizon. My beautiful wife is going to lose her beautiful hair. How can I make her know what I do- that she will be even more beautiful to me without it? Just tell me what I can do to take the pain away from her so she can live her life and continue to be the wonderful mother and friend she is. I would do anything to take one canker sore out of her mouth, or keep one hair on her head, or make her feel one less ounce of pain. Therein lies the problem...I can't do anything.

Perhaps it is this helpless feeling that leads people to become "activists" to advance the cause they are supporting. Maybe it is this feeling that makes people turn to drugs or alcohol for relief. To be frank, none of those make me feel better. I know they don't make my wife feel better.

So as I become a spectator in this fight, I can only write in this blog- which I am the only person who reads. It is somewhat cathartic though. I want my wife to know that I am behind her and that I will fight every ounce of the fight she does, and I will feel every bit of pain she feels, and I will cry every tear she cries...Albeit from the sidelines. If I could take the needles and the chemo and it would make her better, I wouldn't hesitate to do it for 4 years, much less 4 months. I know that my wife is not scared of the cancer, she is scared for the people who love her, like me and my two boys.

It's funny. I still don't fear cancer. I guess I fear for cancer since it has run up against my wife. She has been amazingly strong, finding something in herself that runs so counter to her usual way. If she is so strong, how can I not be? If she won't have her own pity party, why should I? I know, love and admire her too much to be the problem and not the solution.

My wife was sick last weekend, and I had to take the boys to church without her. As I sat there it hit me that it would be impossible to press on without her- she is too important to the three boys who sat in that pew. It is going to be that feeling, and the feeling of watching her stay strong through this difficult time, that is going to keep us strong...and victorious. Even if I have to watch from the sidelines.